The darkest prayer I prayed was alone in a darkened bedroom. I was afraid I was crazy and they’d have to lock me in a mental institution. I’d be abandoned by my family. No one would see me. No one would want me.

This was also the prayer that made me more of a Christian than I’d ever been before, because in that dark cave came this truth: I would not be abandoned. God would not leave me. God’s love was bigger than death, demons, darkness — God’s love would always win.

That was eight years ago this month.


Last weekend I was in a community musical. Someone told me, “I wish I could do that. I wish I had your abandon.”

I’d never thought about that word in any way other than my greatest fear. But for her, it was her greatest envy.

A moment later, she made me laugh.

“See? You even laugh with abandon.”

This is a new word now. I want to pin it on the board above my writing desk. Maybe above my office desk, too. And in my car. And on my mirror.

…because you won’t abandon my life to the grave;
    you won’t let your follower see the pit.

Psalm 16:10 CEB

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